Singleness is a diverse and multifaceted experience, encompassing young adults, older adults, those separated or divorced, widowed individuals, celibate same-sex attracted, gender dysphoric individuals, people in long-distance relationships, and those with disabilities. Each group faces unique challenges and opportunities in their journey. Understanding and embracing your sexuality and identity, while aligning with your values, can significantly enhance your well-being and connection with God.

Understanding Social and Erotic Sexuality

Social Sexuality involves how we interact with the world through our gender identity. It’s about understanding how our male and female identities shape our behaviors, relationships, and cultural roles. It encompasses:

• Gender Identity and Expression: How we perceive ourselves and present our gender in society.
• Relational Dynamics: How gender influences interactions, communication styles, and emotional expression.
• Cultural and Social Norms: The expectations and norms around gender roles shaped by cultural, religious, and societal influences.
• Interpersonal Relationships: How gender affects the way we form and maintain relationships, including friendships and social networks.

Erotic Sexuality, on the other hand, is about romantic and sexual energy that motivates physical intimacy. It’s essential to differentiate between erotic feelings (internal experiences of attraction and desire) and erotic behavior (actions taken in response to these feelings). Normalizing erotic feelings in various contexts allows us to steward them responsibly, recognizing that these feelings do not necessitate action.

Embracing and Stewarding Erotic Feelings

It’s natural to experience erotic feelings in various situations and with different people. By acknowledging these feelings as a natural part of human sexuality, we can understand and manage them wisely. This includes:

Acknowledgement: Recognizing and accepting erotic feelings as normal helps us deal with them honestly.

Stewardship: Managing these feelings with intention and care, ensuring erotic behavior is expressed appropriately, respecting boundaries and consent.

Empowerment: Understanding our erotic feelings gives us the power to make conscious choices about our behaviors, fostering healthy and appropriate expressions of our sexuality.

Friendship Sexuality and Righteous Flirting

Understanding Friendship Sexuality

Friendship sexuality refers to the ways in which individuals express and experience their gender and sexual identity within the context of friendships. It encompasses the unique dynamics that emerge in non-romantic relationships and acknowledges the important role that friendships play in our overall sense of well-being and identity.

• Opposite-Sex Friendships: These relationships can provide emotional support, companionship, and a different perspective. They are crucial for experiencing a well-rounded community. While opposite-sex friendships may sometimes carry an undercurrent of sexual tension, managing these feelings with maturity and respect can enrich the friendship without crossing boundaries.
• Same-Sex Friendships: These relationships often offer a sense of solidarity and understanding that is essential for personal growth. For example, women may find that their female friends understand their emotional experiences in ways that men might not, and vice versa for men with their male friends.

The Concept of Righteous Flirting

Doug Rosenau, a Christian therapist and author, introduces the idea of “righteous flirting,” which is a healthy, respectful, and godly way of affirming one another as men and women. This approach to flirting is deeply rooted in the biblical principles of treating others with dignity and purity. Paul’s instructions to Timothy are particularly relevant here: “Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity” (1 Timothy 5:1-2).

Righteous flirting involves recognizing and appreciating the intrinsic value and dignity of each person. It’s about building each other up in a way that honors God and fosters genuine connection without selfish motives or crossing inappropriate boundaries.

Practical Applications of Righteous Flirting

Affirmation and Encouragement: Complimenting friends in a way that builds their confidence and highlights their strengths can be a form of righteous flirting. This might involve recognizing someone’s hard work, intelligence, kindness, or other positive traits.

Healthy Boundaries: It’s essential to maintain boundaries that respect both parties. This means being mindful of the context and the nature of the relationship, ensuring that actions and words do not lead to confusion or inappropriate expectations.

Intentionality in Interactions: Engage in conversations and activities that promote mutual respect and understanding. Avoid behaviors that could be misinterpreted or that might lead someone on if there is no romantic intention.

Playfulness and Joy: Righteous flirting can include lightheartedness and fun. Sharing jokes, playful banter, and laughter can strengthen friendships and create a positive, joyful environment.

Respect and Purity: Always approach interactions with the intention of upholding the other person’s dignity and purity. This aligns with the biblical mandate to treat each other with absolute purity and respect.

Benefits of Friendship Sexuality and Righteous Flirting

Enhanced Community: Engaging in healthy, respectful friendships with both men and women enriches the community experience and provides a fuller sense of belonging and support.

Emotional Growth: These interactions help individuals grow emotionally as they learn to navigate complex feelings and relationships in a way that honors God and others.

Personal Integrity: Practicing righteous flirting helps individuals maintain personal integrity, fostering relationships based on mutual respect and Godly love.

Positive Influence: Modeling respectful and affirming behavior can influence others within the community to adopt similar practices, creating a culture of honor and purity.

Building Healthy Relationships

Righteous flirting and a well-rounded approach to friendship sexuality contribute significantly to personal growth and the development of a supportive and loving community. Whether single or married, maintaining healthy interactions with both genders is crucial for creating connections that alleviate loneliness and foster a sense of belonging.

For Singles

Singles benefit greatly from friendships that help meet their needs for opposite-sex interaction in a non-romantic context. These relationships can provide a safe space to explore and understand different perspectives, enhancing their social and emotional development.

For Married Individuals

Married individuals also need friendships with both genders, though the dynamics may differ. Opposite-sex friendships for married people require careful navigation to maintain boundaries that respect the marriage covenant while still providing the benefits of diverse social interactions.

Same-Sex Friendships

Same-sex friendships remain vital for all individuals, offering a level of understanding and emotional resonance that is unique to these relationships. They provide a space where individuals can share experiences and challenges specific to their gender, fostering mutual support and growth.

Embracing Erotic Energy

A common mistake within the church is the failure to help singles recognize, embrace, and steward their sexual energy. By celebrating rather than fearing this aspect of human experience, individuals can learn to channel their erotic energy in ways that are fulfilling and God-honoring. Righteous flirting and healthy friendships can play a key role in this process, allowing individuals to experience and express their sexuality in ways that build up rather than tear down their community.

Friendship sexuality and righteous flirting are essential components of a holistic approach to relationships that honors God and respects the dignity of all individuals. By fostering healthy, respectful interactions, individuals can build stronger communities, experience personal growth, and maintain the integrity of their faith and values in all their relationships.

Stewarding Erotic Sexuality in Dating Relationships

Stewarding erotic sexuality within dating relationships involves managing sexual energy and behavior in ways that align with Christian values and personal convictions. It’s about honoring God, respecting oneself and one’s partner, and fostering a relationship grounded in love, trust, and mutual respect. This stewardship requires a nuanced understanding of one’s own boundaries and the ethical implications of sexual behavior within a faith context.

Three Lenses for Christian Approaches to Erotic Sexuality in Dating

Christians approach the topic of erotic sexuality in dating relationships through three primary lenses: Traditional, Moderate, and Permissive. Each lens reflects different interpretations of biblical teachings and contemporary cultural contexts.

Traditional Lens

The Traditional Lens relies on historical interpretations of biblical teachings, emphasizing strict boundaries to avoid sexual immorality. This approach is often characterized by clear-cut rules and a focus on preserving sexual purity until marriage.

Modesty: Individuals are responsible for not tempting others. Exposure above the knee or below the shoulders is generally considered inappropriate outside marriage.

Masturbation & Fantasy: Erotic sexuality is deemed appropriate only within marriage. Thus, masturbation and fantasy are considered always inappropriate.

Single Sexual Behavior: All erotic behavior is reserved for marriage. Any physical intimacy beyond what would be appropriate with a sibling is discouraged until marriage.

Moderate Lens

The Moderate Lens interprets sexual immorality less restrictively, often considering cultural context where Scripture is not specific. This approach seeks a balance between biblical principles and the realities of contemporary relationships.

Modesty: Individuals should avoid intentionally causing arousal outside their spouse. Exposure up to the bikini line is permissible, aligning with contemporary modesty standards.

Masturbation & Fantasy: Married couples may engage in fantasy and masturbation involving their spouse. For singles, the scripture’s silence on the issue leads to varied personal interpretations, often with a “don’t ask, don’t tell” stance.

Single Sexual Behavior: Vaginal intercourse is reserved for marriage, but other sexual behaviors may be subject to personal conviction and context, often resulting in ambivalence and anxiety about these activities.

Permissive Lens

The Permissive Lens operates on the principle of “All things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial” (1 Corinthians 10:23). This approach focuses on love, consent, and non-exploitation, arguing that the Bible does not explicitly prohibit consensual sex between unmarried individuals.

Modesty: Exposure is permissible if consensual, non-exploitative, and respectful of boundaries.

Masturbation & Fantasy: Permissible as long as they are consensual, non-exploitative, and respect personal and mutual boundaries.

Single Sexual Behavior: All erotic behavior is permissible among singles if it is consensual, non-exploitative, and respects boundaries, focusing on mutual respect and avoiding deceit or betrayal.

Defining Key Terms

When discussing sexual ethics, particularly from a permissive lens, it’s crucial to clearly define the terms “consensual,” “non-exploitative,” and “does not defraud another.”

Consensual

All parties involved in a sexual activity have given their explicit, informed, and voluntary agreement to participate. Consent must be:

Informed: All parties understand the nature of the activity and any potential risks or consequences.

Freely Given: Consent is given without coercion, pressure, or manipulation.

Revocable: Any party can withdraw their consent at any time, and the activity must stop immediately.

Enthusiastic: Consent is an enthusiastic agreement, not just a lack of resistance.

Specific: Consent to one activity does not imply consent to another; each activity requires its own explicit consent.

Non-Exploitative

The sexual activity does not take advantage of an individual’s vulnerability, power imbalance, or lack of capacity to consent. This includes:

Power Dynamics: Avoiding situations with significant power imbalances (e.g., teacher-student, employer-employee) that could influence consent.

Vulnerability: Not taking advantage of someone’s emotional, mental, or physical vulnerabilities (e.g., intoxication, mental health issues).

Mutual Benefit: Ensuring the activity is mutually beneficial and that no one is being used purely for another’s gratification.

Equality: Both parties have an equal say in the terms and nature of the interaction, ensuring a balanced and fair dynamic.

Does Not Defraud Another

The sexual behavior does not involve deceit, betrayal, or violation of commitments to another person. It includes:

Honesty in Relationships: Ensuring all parties involved are truthful about their sexual activities and intentions.

Commitment Integrity: Respecting commitments within a relationship, such as exclusivity agreements in dating or marital fidelity.

Transparency: Communicating openly about one’s sexual activities with relevant parties to avoid misunderstandings and ensure mutual agreement on the nature of the relationship.

Avoiding Deception: Not engaging in sexual activities that would deceive or betray a partner, such as cheating on a spouse or breaking an exclusivity agreement with a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Examples

Consensual: Two adults agree to engage in a sexual relationship after discussing their boundaries, preferences, and the nature of their relationship.

Non-Exploitative: A relationship between two individuals of equal power, where neither party feels pressured or manipulated, and both find the relationship fulfilling.

Does Not Defraud Another: A married person who remains faithful to their spouse, honoring their vows and the trust within their marriage, or a person in an exclusive dating relationship who remains honest and faithful to their partner, respecting the terms of their exclusivity.

The purpose of the three lenses is to provide definition and language around three common approaches to practical theology, illustrating how people interpret and apply biblical sexual ethics in their lives. This framework is not about advocating for one perspective over another, but rather about encouraging individuals to engage in candid conversations with spiritual mentors they respect, diligently search the scriptures, and invite the Holy Spirit to guide them towards convictions that they can honor in how they steward their sexuality. Through this process, each person can develop a thoughtful, personalized approach to their sexual ethics that aligns with their faith and values.

Help For The Journey

Navigating singleness with faith, friendship, and a healthy approach to sexuality can be both challenging and rewarding. By embracing a balanced perspective on social and erotic sexuality, practicing righteous flirting, and building supportive friendships, you can enrich your journey and align it with your values. Remember, you don’t have to navigate this path alone. If you or someone you know could benefit from professional guidance on these topics, consider reaching out to a Christian counselor at MyCounselor.Online. Their trained professionals can provide the support and insights you need to thrive in your season of singleness.