Chances are the “sex talk” you got from dad was terrible….if you got one at all.

And the locker room is definitely no fountain of truth when it comes to women.

So how do you know what a woman really wants in bed?

Physical intimacy is really important in a marriage, yet you can’t read your wife’s mind (thankfully) and you’ve never been a woman (probably).

She’s NOT A MAN! So using your own experience around sex to understand her isn’t going to work either.

In this guide you’ll get a start in the right direction with 19 Need-to-Know Truths about pleasing your wife sexually, knowing what turns her on, and how to keep her satisfied. – As shared by a certified sex therapist.

Sex is God’s idea, true enough

Most of us, however, did not get a very good education about sex from the church or our dad’s for that matter. Our ideas about sex came from everywhere but the Bible. We were lead to believe that sex was great fun, but like all things that are great fun were also dirty, nasty, sinful, and wrong. Which makes you wonder why we are supposed to save it for the one we love.

Why are Christians so quiet on the matter?

This article is far from comprehensive, but it’s a good start to a quality, accurate, and Biblical guide to sex for Christian Men. The resources referenced go into a lot more detail and I highly recommend you pick up a copy. I don’t care how old you are, you’ll learn something and it will make your love life better (even if it’s already great).

19 Need-to-Know Truths About Sex:

1. Competing, achieving, arriving, scoring, hunting, and winning are natural inclinations for men. Sex is not about conquering, achieving, or scoring; sex is about relating.
2. Love, passion, and intimacy are not about winning or losing; they’re about how you play the game.
3.  Sex doesn’t just happen; you make it happen.
4. Men connect and feel loved through sex; women desire sex as the consequence of feeling loved and connected.
5.  A wife is validated by her husband’s sexual interest if that is expressed through connection and affirmation rather than pursuit or expression of need.
6.  The combination of male constancy and ever-changing, complex femininity is the key to keeping sex alive in marriage.
7.  Couples who connect physically daily will have more frequent and more enjoyable sex.
8.  Time allotment formula for a successful marriage: 15 minutes per day + 1 evening per week + 1 day per month + 1 weekend per quarter= successful marriage.
9.  Since a man’s need for connection is not felt like a woman’s, go her way. Accept your wife’s greater need for nurturing.
10.  When you genuinely attend to your wife, her heart will open to you, and her sexual attraction to you will increase.
11. Sexually, a woman has both more complex body parts and more complex bodily responses.
12. For a woman, both physical arousal and emotional readiness are necessary for her to proceed to intercourse and orgasm
13.  You both win when she learns to listen to her body and go after what she needs. Formula: The husband adores his wife, his affirmation ignites her passion, and she invites him sexually.
14.  KEY CONCEPT: Keep your pace lagging behind your wife’s pace in both activity and intensity.
15. You can never know whether what worked last time will work this time.
16.  Marriage is a license to freedom without demand; marriage is not a license to possess and control
17.  When you’re mentally outside looking in as you play in the game of sex, you will lose.
18. The secret to stopping spectatoring: Remove all demands for response and focus on the enjoyment of your bodies.
19. Whenever sex becomes goal-oriented, the body’s response will be affected negatively, and enjoyment will be stifled.

Cliff Penner, Ph.D. and Joyce Penner, M.N., R.N. (Penner & Penner) are some of the most trusted experts in Christian Sex Therapy. Many of the concepts in this article can be found and expounded on in Cliff’s book The Married Guy’s Guide to Great Sex.

REFERENCES

1. Kaplan, H. S. (2013). New sex therapy: Active treatment of sexual dysfunctions. Routledge.
2. Leiblum, S. R. (Ed.). (2006). Principles and practice of sex therapy. Guilford Press.
3. LoPiccolo, J., & LoPiccolo, L. (Eds.). (2012). Handbook of sex therapy. Springer Science & Business Media.
4. Hawton, K., Catalan, J., & Fagg, J. (1991). Low sexual desire: Sex therapy results and prognostic factors. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 29(3), 217-224. [4]
5. Basson, R., Berman, J., Burnett, A., Derogatis, L., Ferguson, D., Fourcroy, J., … & Leiblum, S. (2000). Report of the international consensus development conference on female sexual dysfunction: definitions and classifications. The Journal of urology, 163(3), 888-893. [5]
6. Basson, R. (2000). The female sexual response: A different model. Journal of Sex &Marital Therapy, 26(1), 51-65. [6]
7. Basson, R., Leiblum, S., Brotto, L., Derogatis, L., Fourcroy, J., Fugl‐Meyer, K., … & Schover, L. (2004). Revised definitions of women’s sexual dysfunction. The journal of sexual medicine, 1(1), 40-48. [7]
8. Basson, R., Leiblum, S., Brotto, L., Derogatis, L., Fourcroy, J., Fugl-Meyer, K., … & Schover, L. (2003). Definitions of women’s sexual dysfunction reconsidered: advocating expansion and revision. Journal of Psychosomatic Obstetrics & Gynecology, 24(4), 221-229. [8]